Top comedy writers share the juicy details of breaking up.

Thanks, in part, to Ben Karlin, former executive producer of both The Daily Show with John Stewart and The Colbert Report, Americans are now able to approach bumbling politicans, radical conservatives and pressing current events with a sense of humor.

In Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me, Karlin gathered 46 male comics to lend good humor to bad breakups. Stephen Colbert, Esquire’s A.J. Jacobs, and Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte among other scribes offer amusing, occasionally delusional, honest and generally insightful essays of interest to both ladies and gents.

For example, Andy Selsberg, former staff writer for The Onion, imparts the following advice for women: “Some nights later she told me she loved me ‘as a person.’ Unless you want someone to hate you forever, don’t ever tell him you love him as a ‘person.’ It’s like a consolation prize you don’t want that leaves you with an unwieldy tax burden.” 

Artist and writer, David Rees, doles out male-centric lessons learned from his divorce, which he calls “an expensive, life-shattering and inconvenient way to learn elementary lessons about life and love”; among them:

  • “If you’re old enough to drive, you may no longer wear pants with drawstrings–even if they are your ‘dressy sweatpants.'”
  • “If it’s before noon, it’s not called a ‘five o’clock shadow’—it’s called a ‘shave, you loser.'”
  • “The fact that you used to bake bread back in college, and now refuse to do so, even when your wife asks sweetly, longingly, does not mean you are a post-hippie citizen trying to carve out new paradigms of consumption in a post-9/11 world. It means you’re lazy.”