What to keep in mind when you’re ready to be intimate
Sex: It’s always a difficult subject when dating. You can’t get away from it — dating and sex are inextricably interlinked. Even for those couples whose religious beliefs dictate that sex will remain within the boundaries of marriage, sex is a matter of concern and discussion. For many modern daters, though, sex is initially a test of compatibility — a big one. If you don’t have chemistry in bed, you won’t be going much further. Many try to downplay it, but sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. If there are issues in the bedroom, they will later manifest somewhere else, and your partnership will probably never be solid.
Just like dating sites try to match you by your interests and hobbies, you should try to find your sexual match while dating. If you have certain sexual preferences, you should seek partners who share your preferences. If you are shy or sex does not play a big part in your world, then actively seek someone similar. There is no point dating a stallion if you don’t enjoy sex. Your lifestyle also plays a big part in this type of compatibility – if your partner is very interested in sex but you work 80 hours a week and are always exhausted, your relationship could have some fundamental issues.
The importance of sexual compatibility cannot be underestimated. We all need to feel desirable and desired, and a lack of those feelings will surface at some point to damage the relationship. A special closeness may be lost. This doesn’t necessarily mean just sex per se, but any form of intimacy or romance. If you share each other’s bed, you need to want to be in that bed next to the person you choose. Therefore, for those who say that sex is not important, then their partner must feel the same way too.
Another issue worth mentioning is how frequently sex occurs in the early dates. This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman’s point of view, however emancipated you may be, your greatest gift is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However, if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do not sleep with him in the early stages. Both men and women cannot afford to ignore this advice. Desire over a longer period will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually. There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.
An honest man will tell you that if he has sex with a girl on a first date, he may enjoy it, but he probably won’t want to date her seriously because the mystery and the challenge are gone. Men are hunters and enjoy the chase, and the longer the chase goes on, the greater his respect and the more likely a woman will win his heart. Unfortunately, this playing-hard-to-get routine has its limits – wait too long and you may lose him! You may either become pigeonholed as the “friend” if you wait too long, or, if you two are not open in your discussions of your relationship and sex life, he may feel you are not attracted to him. So how long is long enough? Comedian Steve Harvey noted that companies usually withhold benefits from new employees for about 90 days, and that women too should withhold sex from new boyfriends for this same “trial” period. Every relationship is different, and the choice for each individual is his or her own. Just know that if you want to build the foundation of a lasting relationship, hold off on getting intimate and you’ll have a better chance of a lasting love.
Guys, do your dates a favor and back off from pressuring her for sex in the early stages of dating. It comes across as sleazy and manipulative. Don’t even talk or refer to sex on the first several dates if you want to be respectful. If all you want is sex, don’t go looking for it through traditional dating or dating services. You both should be on clear terms about what you want out of the date, and if sex wasn’t agreed upon beforehand (you didn’t meet via a “Casual Encounters” ad), then assume this is a date and she is looking for a potential relationship. I hope than anyone reading this article is looking for advice on proper and respectful dating rather than cheap thrills.
The first time two people sleep together can be amazing if there is great anticipation and build up but can equally be an absolute disaster because of that same anticipation and build up. Frequently it is the latter. It takes time to get to know each other in bed so lower your expectations and never base the quality of sex on that very first time. Things can change and get a whole lot better. This is where your communication skills will be at their most important. Often we expect partners to read our minds and know exactly what will make us respond and feel good. It’s not fair to put those sorts of expectations on another person, particularly since he or she can’t possibly live up to them. If you’ve waited to sleep together, have built some trust and mutual admiration, your first time together may not be fireworks, but it should be warm and satisfying nonetheless.
Some basic points to remember:
- Avoid sex on first date
- Don’t even mention sex on the first (or first few) dates
- Never admit how many people you have slept with
- Don’t discuss sex with your ex
- Date people to whom you are physically attracted
- Don’t pretend sex isn’t important – it is
- Being sexy is not the same as being easy
- Kissing does not mean sex
- Have sex the first time where you are most comfortable
- Always practice safe sex
- Good sex is a good start, but bad sex can get better
- Avoid people who are selfish in their sexual needs
- Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable
- Make sure you know enough about your new partner before becoming intimate
- Never allow yourself to be rushed into sex if you’re not ready